Successful programmer (let's just say I ride a bay-area shuttle bus to work) with the same problem here, but feel like I'm on the path to solving it.
The answer for me came (well, started: I'm working on it) through finally going to see a therapist and working through a bunch of other stuff.
Eventually, I got to the point where the next thing bothering me was my work. It was a relief to talk with someone who took my anxiety about it seriously: even my wife mostly just hit me with that "oh, you're just hard on yourself- I'm sure you're doing a great job".
I'm sure working through it for you will be different, but here's some of the things that were helpful for me...
- think/feel through what exactly is going on at the moment you start avoiding work: what are you feeling? What is going on? (There's probably something fairly logical going on, even if its solving a problem from 20 years ago)
- maybe you had a more adversarial outlook growing up, towards authority, school, imposed rules, some other kind of bullshit: perhaps you've reached a point where you've outgrown the need for that
- do you think of things in the classic Puritan-inherited good vs bad, reward vs punishment? Do you feel guilty? My therapist often sounds fairly zen, which initially felt vacuous, but I think I'm starting to get it: you can just be at work, in the moment, and start working on something instead of procrastinating, and not have it be a big struggle of willpower.
- In a similar vein, I think I grew up thinking of myself as likely to do the wrong thing: I'll make myself eat my vegetables, but left alone, I'd probably opt for sugar. I'll do what I'm supposed to in school, and be the smart kid, but really, I can't trust myself because if I drop my guard ill probably just go back to slacking. Perhaps it's time to explore the idea of doing things out of a positive desire for mastery, the challenge of contending with bigger problems, growth, rather than trying to marshal your feared negative attributes into positive outcomes through trickery, deadlines, etc. You can trust yourself more than you think.
My, that was long and navel-gazing... But I hope it helps. Hacker news is full of "self-flagellate yourself into beating procrastination" rhetoric, and I found that approach unhelpful, exhausting, and depressing.
One last word: take your dissatisfaction seriously: I know you are successful and smart, but it bothered you at least enough to post here. It's going to take hard work to rewire engrained habits and responses, but at least one anonymous coward here is cheering for you, and has compassion for you :-)
The answer for me came (well, started: I'm working on it) through finally going to see a therapist and working through a bunch of other stuff.
Eventually, I got to the point where the next thing bothering me was my work. It was a relief to talk with someone who took my anxiety about it seriously: even my wife mostly just hit me with that "oh, you're just hard on yourself- I'm sure you're doing a great job".
I'm sure working through it for you will be different, but here's some of the things that were helpful for me...
- think/feel through what exactly is going on at the moment you start avoiding work: what are you feeling? What is going on? (There's probably something fairly logical going on, even if its solving a problem from 20 years ago) - maybe you had a more adversarial outlook growing up, towards authority, school, imposed rules, some other kind of bullshit: perhaps you've reached a point where you've outgrown the need for that - do you think of things in the classic Puritan-inherited good vs bad, reward vs punishment? Do you feel guilty? My therapist often sounds fairly zen, which initially felt vacuous, but I think I'm starting to get it: you can just be at work, in the moment, and start working on something instead of procrastinating, and not have it be a big struggle of willpower. - In a similar vein, I think I grew up thinking of myself as likely to do the wrong thing: I'll make myself eat my vegetables, but left alone, I'd probably opt for sugar. I'll do what I'm supposed to in school, and be the smart kid, but really, I can't trust myself because if I drop my guard ill probably just go back to slacking. Perhaps it's time to explore the idea of doing things out of a positive desire for mastery, the challenge of contending with bigger problems, growth, rather than trying to marshal your feared negative attributes into positive outcomes through trickery, deadlines, etc. You can trust yourself more than you think.
My, that was long and navel-gazing... But I hope it helps. Hacker news is full of "self-flagellate yourself into beating procrastination" rhetoric, and I found that approach unhelpful, exhausting, and depressing.
One last word: take your dissatisfaction seriously: I know you are successful and smart, but it bothered you at least enough to post here. It's going to take hard work to rewire engrained habits and responses, but at least one anonymous coward here is cheering for you, and has compassion for you :-)