I hate that there's no reasonable way to discuss this topic or any potential causes (or solutions) without veering into ideological territory firmly claimed by certain groups (be it "incel", "MGTOW", "racist", fill in your favorite). So many of the young men I encounter are absolutely terrified of women for one reason or another, and several (under 20, over 10) have committed suicide (and/or been admitted to drug/alcohol rehab with intent) because of either a sense of impossibility of mating or a sense that they have no place in the professional world as a man. It absolutely does NOT help that when I try to bring it up with my colleagues the conversation inevitably devolves to something about privilege, "toxicity", or poorly veiled (and poorly defined) insults about "creepiness".

I don't want to get into those ideological arguments myself because any hint of agreement is grounds for being tied to it fully.

I try to talk to these guys in more personal settings but they're nervous as fuck, since they know I could potentially disagree with them and therefore influence their lives and careers. They tell me this freely; a person I spoke to within the last month, suffering from suicidal ideation along with general behavior changes (my trigger for talking to them), went along the lines of: "I can't talk about this shit with you or with therapy or with anybody. I'd rather zone out at home than get arrested for looking at her."

I know he's exaggerating, but I also know what he means. I do NOT know how to address his concerns.

If anyone does, please feel free to reach out in comments or doxx me enough to talk in person.

Sad that you encounter “so many”, I never encountered any beyond myself with such a worry, and one interested and lucky lady later I lost that worry.

If your looks truly put others off, or your vibe is just somehow wrong, or you somehow have a raging asshole living in your brain sabotaging your life, it sucks. The crowd you run with can help a lot, of course- Stephen Hawking was not your classic catch when he hooked up, and friends can teach you confidence and introduce you to open-minded others as well as lower your confidence and have no introductions to share.

I’ve learned the last few years that depression has a huge spectrum, and cognitive distortions make one see things in a uselessly nonproductive way without actually seeming strong enough to be called “depression”. Demoralization is different/separate but plays poorly with depression too.

So much of life is the total situation you are in, and migrating to a new one is not easy, harder as you get older.

Yeah I understand, myself. I'm older, I've been through a lot, and I got through it (albeit roughly). I pray that the next few generations can, too, but as the article (and many others) point out, it isn't getting any easier for the young men of the U.S. and I can't imagine it's much different in other similar countries. I can't very well say "well, just be attractive/funny/rich" and expect that to cure the utter despair that these guys perceive.

What it comes down to is that chemical bliss, sometimes leading to excess and sometimes leading to death in some cases, is a preferable choice to trying to figure out a world that changed so rapidly that not even a teenager can keep up. It's very tempting to blame feminism or media frenzy or whatever else, because there aren't really any changes to humanity itself in such a short time frame.

Oh absolutely. During the 80’s, when the media was focused on all the problems of the urban ghettoes and the crack epidemic, I thought that if the ghetto is that bleak, and jobs that scarce, escaping to crack or heroin made sense. Crack was real, and the media was probably in scare-people mode, please don’t jump on me. Just what I thought.

We have more people and less need for them than ever. If no one needs you, it’s easier to escape and if you die so what? Not that guys will always be there for their families anyway, but at least most try and without those families, no need to try.

Psychedelic therapy might be the answer. Just a thought.

I often wonder if we need a modern, secular, monastic system. There will always be a percentage of the population who are unwilling to marry or would not make good partners no matter the economic incentive. Single and divorced men are often excluded from any family focused social activities, which only increase as we age. So where can these men go, the bar?

Church. But that’s exactly your point. I think something along the line of dorms, but nicer, would be a starting point.

Social activities outside the home are one thing. The social activity within the home is huge when you’ve got a mate and kids. For a divorcee, take those away and a void opens up because grownups don’t just get together and hang out very much.

So the rec center becomes a super useful concept, and making it convenient to the community is needed for it to get used. To cover costs, a slice of rents or condo fees would work, otherwise it’s funded by alcohol sales and you’re back to bars.

Liability insurance for interesting activities (e.g. wood shop) might be challenging. Maybe not.